I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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