i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
