my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
