two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I want to be your penis for a week.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
