What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
