I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize