so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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