I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
this is an emotional support booty call
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
