I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
