Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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