I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
