Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
