WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
