dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
