1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
