The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
