Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize