I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
