literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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