You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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