I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
