I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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