my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
