Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
