those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
