chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize