my vag is so smooth its legendary
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Randomize
