One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
