she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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