You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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