I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize