Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I met the friendliest cop last night
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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