i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
