I cut my penus on the lid.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
