Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
