No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
