I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
