i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
