there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
