there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
