that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
