It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
