Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
