I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Let's get the cat blown out
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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