put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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