Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
