We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i dont even know how to be here
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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