My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
