Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
