God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
