it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
