He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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