if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
