He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
