I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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