On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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