Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
