hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
