And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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