I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
