his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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