shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize