and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
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