I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
