i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
