my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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