I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think my moral compass just broke
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize