I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
