Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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