Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
