I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
